Langer Loksh

The Monkey, The Candy Corn Fairy, and Batman

 

Charlie had planned to be a ninja, and I got him a costume for $10, but the day before Halloween we got several trash bags of hand-me-downs that included G.I. Joe, Bakugan, Bumblebee the Transformer, and Batman costumes. Charlie elected to go with Batman, and he looked great. We shoehorned Oscar into the organ grinder monkey costume that Charlie wore when he was one and a half, and Summer sparkled as a "candy corn fairy."

We always trick or treat in the same neighborhood. This year, the lady who always hands out single sticks of Wrigley's gum also gave the children "fortune cards" (Summer's term). "Mine says 'It's Simple to be Saved!'" Summer reported. I noticed that treat givers seemed to favor M&Ms heavily for some reason, and also there were more full-size candies. It used to be just one house on the loop that did that. So, all in all, a very good time.

Moments before I took pictures, I knelt down to VelcroTM Oscar's hat, and my big fat camera, which was hanging around my neck, swung forward and bashed Oscar in the face. He cried for like, half a second, and I gave him lots of kisses and loving, and then he was totally fine.*

Fine!

If that were toddler Summer, Halloween would have been OVER. And I don't know if that's my fault or hers. I guess mine, since I'm both her biological mother AND the person who is raising her. Nature AND nurture. Poor Summer.

The pictures are garbage anyway.

Yes that's a sword Batman is holding. Because Batman never leaves the Batcave without a sword, right? No. I think Charlie found that sword in the car on the way to Maureen's.

Now let me tell you what happened when I tried to "boo-ze" a friend. It was Alissa N., by the way, who "boo-zed" me (and nearly put me into cardiac arrest). I decided I would do it to Sarah R-H. I bought cookies at Teacakes and a few pieces of fancy chocolate. Then I went to the pharmacy to buy hand cream, a romance novel, and an emery board to replace the headbands and nail polish I took out. As I headed to the cashier with my basket, who should walk into the pharmacy but Sarah!

I contorted my body so she couldn't see what I was buying and made weird, distracted small talk, hoping she would get what she'd come for and get out. She told me all about the absurd weekend she had planned, taking care of another family's two other children overnight, and waking up at ungodly times for hockey and basketball. Good, I thought, this is the person who deserves to be "boo-zed."

The next night Summer and I drove out in the dark to plant the bag. We pulled up in front of their driveway. The lights were on, and the shades were down. "Perfect," I said. "I can see my way up to the door and then drop it and run." Then suddenly, the lights went out. "Oh no!" I said. "They must have just switched off their lights for bed!" I inched up the driveway in the dark--and then suddenly Sarah and Bret were standing on their deck with a flashlight. "Hello?" Sarah said.

*Sigh.*

"It's me, Jill," I said.

"Oh hi!" said Sarah. "We just lost power!" I looked around. All the lights were off at all the neighbors' houses.

What could I do? In my pajama pants and slippers, no less.

"I was trying to spook  you," I said sheepishly. "Here."

"Oh!" said Sarah. "Thank you so much! Matthew will be so happy."

"It's not for Matthew. It's for you."

"Thank you!" she said.

"Well." I said. "It really doesn't have the same effect if I just hand it to you. But, uh, happy Halloween!"

Clearly I just wasn't meant to be a successful "boo-ze"r.

*One of Oscar's new things is, when I grab him and give him all kinds of nom noms and kisses on his neck, he says, "More love!" (which sounds like "Moh luff"). Jeff and I now make him do it every day because it's just! so! cute!

NaBloPoNo

National Blog Posting Month is up and running, but I am not participating this year, since I spend pretty much all my time peeing and eating Tums. I never thought I would make it this far. I'm 34 weeks pregnant. In one more week, Charlie was here.

Pathetic Characters: Me, Bob, and Dandy

Undaunted by the cruel lack of comments from you readers and the stomach flu that I picked up from Neighbor Mia, I forge onward with the tedious March lists. I find I have nothing to say. This is why NaBloPoMo should really be one mo and not every mo of the year.

Jeff has separated the three larger chicks (Annie, Rosie, and Angel) into a guinea pig cage and left the rather pathetic looking yellow ones (Bob and Dandy) behind in the original brooder. They are eating and drinking but other than that, they are not giving us too much encouragement. They appear very weak but have not given up. Should I change the name of this blog to Dying Pets dot com?

Here is a list of times that I threw up:

3:30 a.m.
4:15 a.m.
5:00 a.m.

And not since. Jeff, Summer and Charlie have thus far remained un-bugged. Off to bed for some ka-wality sleep.

Navel Gazing

Redundant, obviously. I mean this whole blog is like a big long me fest. But the other day Charlie told me he was worried about the dinosaur in the attic, which reminded me of Summer's brief monsters-in-the-closet phase, which reminded me of what was probably my favorite post on this here blog. So because the March theme is lists, I thought I'd engage in a little mirror mirror on the wall.

1. This is the aforementioned favorite post. I'd like to add that I busted out the monster spray to use on the dinosaur this week, and Charlie said, "What's that?" and I said, "That's my monster spray." And Charlie said "That not you monster spray. That part you vacuum."

2. This is one of my least favorite posts. It just sounds creepy, not funny. If I were Adam Vinatieri's wife, I'd feel uncomfortable about me. I swear it's nothing like that, Mrs. V. Or can I call you Tammi? (I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's Valeri.)  (By the way, Jeff was astonished to discover that I was astonished to discover that Bob Kraft is Jewish. Where have I been? Also, the whole Eliot Spitzer thing. Allison was like, "Why does he have to be a Democrat?" and I was like, "Bad for the Jews!")

3. This is another one of my least favorite posts. I was still in pain about Charlie looking different--so worried about how the world would receive him--that I hardly recognize the me who would make a joke like that. Now of course I see that the world reflects what he projects: belly laughs and wrestling and Spiderman. Plus I wonder how Summer and Charlie will feel some day when they read this kind of crap, because the Internet is forever. Shit! What the fuck. What am I doing to my children? I AM THE MONSTER IN THE CLOSET!

4. This is another one of my favorite posts. A turning point.

5. This is the post that gets me the most Google hits. People are really unhappy about that bakery. Update: Syd's the hot dog place is now gone too.

6. It's too depressing to end on that note, so here's another thing that gets me a lot of hits.

We're Like Lucy and Ethel Over Here

The two funniest things that Neighbor Alicia told me today:

1. That she was dreaming about eating trail mix at 2:00 in the morning and, in real life, ate a ladybug that had been crawling on her arm in bed. "It tasted terrible. Really terrible," she reports.

2. That her Fisher Price "Nature's Touch" baby swing plays the tune of Mr. F@%&er from the South Park movie.

The Pet Funny World

(Post and title by Summer)

Applesauce and Rebecca, our two pets, are really funny. When Summer lifts her hand up high right in front of them, they even pounce up to get it. And they are part of our loving family.

The chicks are pretty funny too. I think the chicks are one funny part of our family. Some of them are so dumb they even eat their pine shavings. They are really funny too, just as Applesauce and Rebecca. Everything about our pets and animals are pretty fun, too. What does yours do?

(Now there's supposed to be a list.)

A list of flowers:

One of the cool kinds of flowers is the mayflower. I think it's pretty cool. I also know about a lily. Lilies are pretty pretty. Lilies are pretty beautiful. Once my dad went down and got one for me.

(So we need to make a list. You're talking in sentences.)

Oh. Roses too. Roses.

(Alright. So do you want to make a list?)

List of Flowers
Roses
Lilies
Mayflowers
Dandelion
Tulip
Daylilies
Violets
Bulbs

(But there's more than one kind of bulbs.)

Crocus bulbs
Tulip bulbs
Daffodils

That's it. Next time let's write a story about gymnastics.

Quite the Pastiche

Dr. Kenna agreed with the antibiotic strategy for the bulge. We talked about how we'll have to revisit the surgery idea if the bulge bulges out more frequently (last time was November; before that, about this time last year).

Charlie left Dr. Kenna's office with the following stickers plastered to his shirt:

Dora
Diego
a fire truck
a glow in the dark car
Spiderman
the bee from The Bee Movie
the gingerbread man from Shrek

Drugs

Medicines Charlie had taken in the past three weeks:

amoxycillin for ear infection in left ear
erythromycin ointment for pink eye
polytrim drops for pink eye

and now...

Augmentin, for ear infection in right ear, and pink eye. The pediatrician covering for Dr. J., who is on vacation, was horrified by the bulge. We'll see Dr. Kenna tomorrow.

At the moment, my eyes and Charlie's eyes finally look clear. Fingers crossed...

Bad Pennies

The ear bulge is back.

As is the pink eye.

Today being Sunday, I could not call Charlie's ear doctor, so I called our secret weapon, Kenny. Kenny and I discussed the ear bulge and he advised me to go with antibiotics again. We talked about how there is no real surgical option for Charlie since his ear is basically one of a kind. It's not like there's a procedure for going in and obliterating extra ear canals, particularly ones where the facial nerve is all pretzeled around the ear parts. Kenny is hoping that the bulge is kind of like regular ear infections that some kids get over and over and then outgrow.

So I'm calling Dr. Kenna tomorrow first thing, and in the meanwhile, I'm Clorox wiping, Lysol spraying, hand washing, paper toweling, and PRAYING TO GOD to make the pink eye go away.

What? Oh, a list. Right. Hm.

A list of things we learned about at the Science Discovery Museum today:

harmonograms
pendulums
polarized light
fabric, glue, and scissors
wood, saws, and nails
magnets

Also, we have already collected more sap in a week than we did in the whole season last year. Awesome year for maple sugaring!

Home Improvement

• Number of times days since bathroom contractor Bill promised to call: 5

• Number of times Jeanne the architect appeared to be baffled to the point of speechlessness by persons under the age of five during her visit: 2

• Number of times Walter the chimney man mentioned passion and/or romance during his free estimate: 3