Langer Loksh

Yuck

Ptooi.

Apropos of Nothing

I'm cleaning my desk so we can show the house. I found a scrap of paper that says "Hub Grinding Service and Ken's Lounge Snacks." Jeff once called me from the road to tell me that he saw these words printed on a van. Reminded us of Tolman's Welding and House of Hurwitz, which is a joke shop inside a welding supply shop, and of course, the legendary Sully's Auto Repair and Billiards. And that place in Maine that has a sign that says Kayaks, Cheese.

You Can "Thank" Me "Later"

Bookmark it.

Star Wars Yo Mama Jokes

Courtesy of Cousin Keith, age 14.

Yo mama is so stupid, she went to Bangkok to buy a Tie Fighter.

and

Yo mama is so fat, Obi-Wan Kenobi said, "That is no moon... that's yo mama."

I May be Ugly, But I Can Spell

Nelson St. Beach, Plymouth

To Leave You with a Better Mental Picture

Here are Jeff's paternal grandparents, Kathleen and Francis, on their 65th wedding anniversary last Sunday.

For My Husband's Frightfully Large (and Lovely) Family

If any of you are involved in frightfully large family (or office, or play group) Christmas gift secret-Santa swaps--in which you draw the name of your husband's cousin in Utah, you email the cousin, who says he wants a CD wallet, you order the CD wallet from Circuit City and have it sent to Utah, and then your husband's cousin in Vermont asks you what your husband wants, and you say your husband wants the Nirvana boxed set, and the Nirvana boxed set comes to your door in an Amazon box, and you wonder why you all don't just cut it out and buy yourself what you want--you will want to use your husband's friend Tom's Kris Kringle Kalculator*. Merry shopping!

*Not to suggest that Tom is not my friend also. It just worked better rhetorically that way. And please check out Tom and Kerry's amazing travel blog.

It was Really the Bernie & Phyl's Furniture Commercial that Did It

Tomorrow when the Pats play the Colts in the superhuge Game of the Week/Season/Century, I will be rooting for the Pats, in spite of the fact that the man with which I have been conducting a totally secret extramarital affair for six years, Number 4, Adam Vinatieri, now kicks for the Colts. Adam and I talked about it, and we agreed that I should root for the Pats, just to throw people off, because some people have made some comments lately that are making us think maybe this whole Number-4- and- Jill thing isn't as secret as we thought after all.

Here is the totally true logic behind why I might root for a given NFL team:

Giants: They should be called the New Jersey giants because they practice and play in the bestest state. My hometown team was good for at least part of my time growing up in New Jersey. I attended games and met Jim Burt, who originated the Gatorade shower, when he came to speak at my temple. Man had the biggest neck I'd ever laid eyes on.

Jets: I'll give them a pass on the name because they used to play at Shea. Another hometown team. My mom saw Joe Namath at a bar in New York City in the 60s and temporarily lost the ability to speak. More importantly, the TOTALLY AWESOME Wayne Chrebet is my mom's cousin's husband's nephew.

49ers:  Steve Young was hot.

Patriots:  Pete Carroll was hot, and Drew Bledsoe was hot, and I live here now, and they're really good.

Cowboys: See Drew Bledsoe above.

Bills: See Drew Bledsoe above. Also, the guy I dated right before Jeff was college roommates with Glenn Parker and we went to a game and I met him and he was really nice. And because they keep going to the Superbowl and losing and they need some love.

Colts: See Adam Vinatieri above. Also, we saw Peyton Manning at the baggage carousel in Honolulu, but we didn't bother him.

And here are the NFL teams I will never root for no matter how hot of a quarterback/kicker/coach they hire:

Pittsburgh.

Balls of Steel

Screaming down the GSP...

Where's Waldo?