Langer Loksh

A Joke I Told my Dad that Made Him Laugh

Mr. Schwartz hears a knock on his front door, and when he opens it, there's a telegram delivery boy there. "Telegram for Mr. Schwartz," the boy says. "Oh, a telegram! I've always wanted a singing telegram! Will you sing it for me?" says Mr. Schwartz. The boy is reluctant. "I really don't think it's a good idea," he says. Mr. Schwartz begs, "Please, for an old man?" The boy says, "Oh alright, if you insist. Da da, da da da DAH! Your sister Rose is dead!"

Swedes Don't Know From Humid

I chatted with a very nice water taxi employee about the weather --very hot and sunny--in Stockholm. "The air is so moist, it makes it really bad," she said. Oh my God. She has no idea. It is so dry here that you would NEVER guess we were right on the sea. A waiter can pour you a glass of cold water at a sidewalk cafe and, as my mother points out, there will not be so much as a fine coating of mist. In New Jersey the glass would be sweating big fat drops upon contact with the water. All we hear from the U.S. is that it's so humid people are afraid to go outside. I am hoping you guys can get the weather straightened out before we come home, because I am getting used to my hair looking only slightly bent as opposed to out and out Bozo.

As for the Finnish mosquitoes that we were warned about, OK, they're bad, but it's not like the Everglades. To be fair, it has been breezy.

Museums of Stockholm

The Vasa Museum, showcasing a warship that sank on its maiden voyage and was perfectly preserved in Stockholm's brackish waters for over 300 years, is staggering.

The Junibacken, a Pippi Longstocking choo choo ride, is staggering only in how sucky it is.

Swedish Word of the Day #6

Tack för idag: thank you for today. This is a nice expression that people say when they have spent a nice time together. I think I'm going to bring it home with me. Though it always sounds totally queer when you try to say "Aloha" when you get home from Hawaii.

My Kind of Naughty

We didn't want to leave Finland, but the preposterously sumptuous cruise ship we took from Helsinki to Stockholm softened the blow. I had packed a foam puzzle of the parts of a fish for Summer to assemble with Pop because I didn't know how boring the ferry would be. Uh, hello, 12 floors of entertainment. As soon as we boarded there was an obstacle course for kids on the top deck, followed by hours of jumping in ball pits and a disco with Moomin. (We were not previously acquainted with Moomin but now we have a plush Moomin puppet and here in Stockholm Summer's hotel pillow case and duvet are covered with cavorting bulbous white hippos, or whatever Moomin is.) In the morning there was the breakfast with Moomin and the duty-free vodka shopping and needless to say the foam fish puzzle remains in its original plastic wrap.

Jeff went out on deck to get some air and I fell asleep before he came back. In the morning he told me he'd been very naughty. I immediately assumed that he'd either gambled away the 23 remaining U.S. dollars in our bank account or that he'd somehow gotten entangled with some semi-naked showgirls. "I spent 30 Euro on the pictures of us boarding the ship," he said. "They came out really cute."

Crazed American Nearly Murders Dozens

One of the highlights of this trip was when I very nearly killed several dozen people. We were enjoying a charming local festival on the island of Replot, with salmon soup and a guess-how-much-the-salmon-weighs contest. I decided to turn on the car to cool it off before we put the kids in. I stood outside the passenger side door, leaned in, and turned the key in the ignition of our rented Chevrolet Nubira wagon. Of course, since we are in Europe, the car was a standard. Jeff had neglected to pull the emergency break. The car, with no one in it, surged forward along the grassy bank where we had parked.

I jumped in, crawled to the driver's side, and jammed on the break. Thank GOD no one was right it front of me when I did that or they would definitely be dead. A crowd of Finn-Swedes rushed over to gawk at the idiot American girl who had seemed so cool only moments ago, participating in the country line dancing. My mom, who had been standing next to me, said "Are you OK? Get out!" I hissed back, "I am NOT getting out!" Jeff came up the hill with the kids at that point, loaded them in, and drove off, mercifully, without making salmon ceviche out of me. I cried. I would not get out of the car even when we got to John's niece Marika's house.

By the next day, when I saw a picture of the sandcastle building contest in the Vasa Bladet, I was able to joke about it: "Look, the festival is in the paper! And it says here that a crazed American nearly murdered several innocent Finn-Swedes!" Seriously though, it was not funny.

Hello from Helsinki

The air in rural Finland is so clean and sweet it almost smells like almonds. For the first week we mostly ate. Today we're in Helsinki and it's quite a shock to be around crowds after so much time in the country. I'm sure this is costing an absolute fortune so I'll just say a few things:

I prefer to eat moose in the hamburger form as opposed to the roast beef form

Jeff prefers fish that don't have six thousand very tiny bones

Summer and Charlie have been very brave trying new foods

I don't know what it's like in the winter here but it's so nice in the summer that I'd like to cancel my return ticket.

Swedish Word of the Day #5

Mermaid: sjojungfru

Automotive Identity Crisis

I have minivan lust. I know that minivans are supposed to be uncool. I remember one time this very cool guy that I know, Ben, who saved my life once when we went whitewater rafting, said that he wanted a minivan because it would make it easier to surf. I shook my head vigorously--no matter what, there had to be a better way. But now I know the raw, naked hunger that only a minivan can sate.

Except that I just found out that the Rabbit is coming back!

Swedish Word of the Day #4

Handarg: adj., "hand angry." This is an idiom that John taught me many months ago. People use it to describe babies like Charlie who are always getting into everything.